Butter Me Up
by dreamofstarysky
Summary: I knew I was hasty to spread, but I couldn't have guessed how quick I could melt. Two-shot. Contains: Yukina vs ? OC, first person narration, crude content, deliberate OOCness, and "bed consultants".


_WARNING(s): This fic contains crude humor and language. Also some sexual themes though none are thoroughly explored. _

**Butter Me Up**

"Once you made the catch, you have to try twice as hard as to keep it."

I never knew those words could be so true until I was sitting on the curb with a puddle of tears at my feet. A muddle of despair and delusive hope jammed at that small, broken, blood-vessel, that I, a harlot, dubbed a heart.

A trash talking, chain smoking, road runner by day and a nonchalant bed consultant by night. Nicknamed, "Butter", by my so-called fans (fellow delinquents, mostly guys), I had _more _than a bit of a reputation. With bottle blonde hair, blue contacts, upscale clothing, and a tissue packed bra I might've been like every other brothel-based chick except that I had a _very_ sweet pair of buns.

With that, anyone would assume that I slept with anyone that could be won over by diluted toilet humor.

In that case, they'd be only _half _right.

Like every night for that past week, I went out with boy-toy seventeen across the littered deck of a crappy waterfront. The guy, needless to say, was a common player. Young and hapless, he clung and big hearted old me gladly offered to be his sugar mama.

A rondevu in twilight would definitely make the affair memorable, I figured. Looks were a seven, smooching skills bordered a five, and that charisma-thinking about it makes me a bit giddy. To this day, I regret spending all my money on my last gambling project. If I had known such a treasure would come, I would've bought a finer pair of lingerie and a rufie.

"_Salty!" _

"What does that mean?" I questioned sweetly.

"It's French for hello."

Tilting my head cutely, I chuckled a bit, "What's the point of speaking French when we're in Japan, silly?"

"To get in your pants." Already did. I rewarded him a maidenly blush. His arms wrapped around my waist like strings.

"_Pervertir," _my whisper reached his ear huskily. "Do you want me?"

"More than you'll ever know," he said urgently, "Let's get a hotel."

Dramatically I pulled out my pockets, "I'm all out of change." Hastily I snaked my hands around his neck, "But I doubt that'll stop us, right?"

Guys, as I have learned through both observation and experimentation, are always either a good rump or one hell of a bump.

Boy-toy seventeen huffed indignantly and pried my arms away.

Something told me to run. Call it bitch instinct, if you will.

My bedmate turned the covers on me.

All around me were the model wives and skanks that acknowledged me as one hell of a fisher. I'd broken up more marriages than a wicked in-law and a condom commercial. They came at me with rice-cookers, spoons, and hearty rope.

The last thing I saw was those hussies and him laughing.

If I had that rufie, things would've been really different.

I wonder who's bright idea was it to gag me S&M style.

When I woke up I was in a barrel, I couldn't move my arms and I felt something familiar was stuffed in my mouth. I couldn't do much else but wiggle; it was really itchy. My screams were muffled and for a second I thought I was really going to die either by lack of oxygen or a yeast infection. Karma really was a bitch and it would be biting my cute plump end continuously.

My nostrils tingled and my ears, sticky, were clogged with some sort of liquid. Shutting my eyes, I tried to stop myself from cringing, from actually thinking of that moment as my last time and wanting to repent. Scared like a little girl, I stopped moving as itchy as I was and crawled into a tighter ball.

Maybe if I died, I could've been reincarnated as a fairly pleasant youngster, smarter and hell of a lot more considerate. "!" The walls of the barrel seemed to crumble from revilement and my nose met the most appalling stench in history. Rotten meat, a heap of garbage, and a slab of shit all mixed in one, I gagged on my gag and tried with unshakable determination to not spit up. I knew I had failed when my throat burned. The surroundings were dingy and really moist.

I was still at the waterfront, but westward with all the junk. Calming down a tad and scrunching up my nose I rolled on my stomach and moved like a worm bring up my bound legs to my belly then stretching out again. Soon I was more covered than a government conspiracy.

Skin scathed from broken bottles. Luckily there were no needles. I couldn't afford any cream for my less than private privates. Going to the doc's office would've been an intelligent move.

If only she didn't charge an arm, kidney, and tombstone for a danged check up.

Also, the gal was like a chip, she dipped into my business.

"When was your last STD test?"

"Have you spoken to your mom lately?"

Everybody knew the broad kneaded some dough of her own, but the twat still kept barking up my tree trying to shake all _my _goodies. I kept my mouth tight. If only I had done that before, I mused bitterly as another broken bottle shard scrapped against my elbow. Worms had it rough. My daily rush had me crashing. Sweating actually felt good what with the brisk night air. Sleepily I rolled over on my back.

Possibly, I'll get lucky and some gallant individual will rescue me from my confines and we'd attend a local eatery and hump like rabbits, I thought perversely while sucking on the ball in mouth, rhythmic like a baby sucking his or pacifier. Chills ran through me and eventually through the sound of my slurping, I fell into a peaceful darkness.

Sadly, I was awakened with a thud. It was one of those thuds that are creepy, but are deliberately ignored. I didn't have the excuse of having tucked inside myself out of pure sleep depraved instinct. Shutting my eyes I pleaded with curiosity to leave me alone to let a second of rest to come to me even though I knew I hardly deserved such bliss. Slowly I turned by head and was welcomed with bulging eyes, color stumped by death. Lips paler than snow gapped as if for breath-or maybe the jaw had been dislocated.

As recognition filled me, the fear depleted. All my throat muscles expanded unleashing a load of laughter. Staring at me was the face of the jerk who screwed me over. In anger head butted the decapitated, empty, dome of my former boy-toy. It rolled somewhere and was most likely buried under all the crap.

Terror, of its own accord, came at me full blown when I began to realize that my life was in danger more than ever. A murderer was on the loose and I was safer in that fish barrel. Feeling exposed I got back into my worm pose.

Something metal glistened in the distance and I wondered if it were sharp. I moved fast.

I told myself that if made out alive I would bed some accountant, pull a few bills out of his wallet, and crawl onto a real cozy mattress. No strings attached.

When I crawled over to the shimmering silver, my eyes widened.

A katana, but where did it come from? And why the heck was it coated with blood? Just how sharp was it? Surely it couldn't cause a cut that clean. I recalled how straight it was as if it were a wig stand. All the blood must've been drained from it earlier, including the brain matter I had the misfortune to remember. All its membranes had been sucked out like I do well-done oysters from their shells.

I was about to piss myself, but I gripped the handle greedily and tried to cut away the hemp cords straddling my wrists. I missed a bit-okay, a lot, and put holes in my clothing. They were pretty much a wreak anyway and it's nothing that a one-night go wouldn't fix. When I got used to it and was able to steady it, I held it vertically and pressed against it.

In a second, I was free.

For a while, I sat there, stunned and my passion dried. All that adrenaline rushing through me had been snuffed out.

"Listen shrimp, you better hope that girl isn't hurt!" Ugh, what a horrible voice.

"Chill Kuwabara, who could've guessed a girl would be stashed in a barrel? This place isn't exactly a tourist attraction."

"Yusuke's right. She was behind some sort of energy shield. Because of that, the force of the attack wasn't that much casing just her confinement to fall. If it weren't for him she would've still been there and our ki would be so exhausted we might not have known. Worst case scenario is she'd die or be some demon's mid-morning snack."

"Kurama!"

"What?"

Jeez, what a sardonic asshole.

"Don't mind Kurama he's just sexually frustrated-ouch!"

"You should clean your nostrils. That's not the smell of arousal."

"Really? Then that's some heavy love fluid."

"Kurama, look…"

"Huh, what are you looking at Hiei?"

Life was like a bad lover; passion builds, then dissipates and only if you're lucky will it build again. But then, sometimes passion can be a really dangerous thing.

Red eyes glowed in the darkness. Special contacts, maybe, but his whole aura sent shivers up my shine and as he approached me trickles of piss went down my leg. His face contorted further. Instead of killing me like I thought he would, his hand went toward the blade. He took it into his palm and yet it did not leave its mark on him. I knew then that he was the rightful owner.

And probably because he muttered, "I need to clean this."

He was pint size, middle-school maybe? Pumped up-on steroids, I noted dryly- clothes torn, he'd be a good eight. Even as a third eye revealed itself, it did not alter my rating.

"_Streetwalker."_

"huh?" How did he know?

My hands moved everywhere searching for some kind of hint. I nearly died when I felt the gag. Unsurprisingly, I went into a fit. Hottest guy I'd seen in weeks and I happened to be his turn off. Now that I think about it, I haven't been so humiliated in my life! Why the fuck did I have to go and remember that? Now I'm sharing with you fuckers who quite reasonably get off on my agony. Great.

"We're here to help you, don't worry." Strong hands gripped my shoulders firmly. "I won't let anything happen to you."

"That's not the reason she's screaming."

"Yeah, it's your face that did it!"

"Always resorting to such petty jokes, eh Yusuke?"

I needed air so I tried to take a deep breath only to choke. Gags were muzzles for the throat and even more distressing. Though I figured they'd have more pity for a dog than a bone-jumper. Within good reason. You give a dog a bone, it'll roll on home. You give a hooker one and they'll fetch themselves another.

"Remarkably that's not it either."

"So what's her deal?"

Getting the ball on my tongue proved fatal since I moved my mouth so much it was teasing my pellet tongue. Coughing, I hunched myself over putting my face near the big guy's musky chest. _Air_, I cried in my mind. His hands were so heavy and I started to feel dizzy. At first it fit good like I was tipsy then good old fatigue knocked on my nerves.

"Hey guys I think something's wrong with her."

No…shit….sher…..lock.

Those had been my last thoughts before I fainted.

I might've actually died because I swear to this day I saw my grandmother looking down on me with that twisted upper lip of hers.

"Bye bitch."

"Excuse me?"

My eyes fluttered open. "Where am I?"

"At my friend's house," the brunette said vaguely.

She sounded haughty. I respected that but that didn't mean I had to like her. "That doesn't really answer my question now does it?" I barked sitting up and pulling the covers off of me. "Thank you for your hospitality, but I've got to go."

As I stood I noticed an image in the vanity shifted as I moved. Pink lips, ghostly-bordering translucent-skin, generic black hair and eyes. Slim hands with unpolished, cracked nails, met a flat surface embellished with frills and other girly trifles. The flower patterned nightgown was a pretty tight fit, not as tight as my drawers, but still.

Soft and smooth as if I'd been dipped in lotion. I ran fingers through my shadowy hair trying to make sense of it then experimentally I pulled it gently finding that it didn't reach my back any longer. The tresses had been chopped straight just under my shoulder blades, very similar to how it was long ago. Unsoiled, wholesome-not exotic- merely pretty, some plastic surgeon must've snuck in. I was hardly doable! Frantically I traced the very small curve of my back and very slowly I motioned toward my backside.

I gave a sigh of relief.

My rump was still faultless.

Now, you're probably wondering why I wasn't scared. Well, that's because it's not the first time I've woken up in some mysterious residence. I've been in some really _sticky _situations. Bottom line is if they had wanted me dead, I'd either be getting some mega signals by then or I'd be, well, dead.

Because my skank clothes were no where in sight, I decided to leave as I was and flag down a car where either I'd take advantage of the driver or be most discretely chauffeured to a bank. The latter seemed more realistic unless I was lucky (?) and the guy was a lolicon fanatic.

Luckily the brown-haired bitch was fast asleep in what had been my makeshift bed.

Calmly I walked out of the room-until I saw a group of guys huddled together in what looked like the living room. I tiptoed and pressed myself against the opposite wall. Hidden from view, I was just about to plot my escape when I saw ruby eyes bearing into me. My heart leapt faster than a professional hurdler. Astonishingly however he said nothing. He did not order me bound and gagged or even more humiliatingly sent to my room. After observing me taking an involuntary wiz he probably saw me as threatening as a pup.

He would come to regret that _very _much.

Urination was also a means of marking territory.

I blushed furiously and in retribution I stuck out my tongue. My actions were more childish than my guise.

"This thing is really interesting." The black haired teen rubbed his chin thoughtfully.

"What is it?"

My eyebrows raised, I was wondering the same thing.

"Idiot don't touch it! It's got hoe germs!"

That gag? Why the fuck were they mulling over _that_, I cried mentally. It was if some sick twisted fellow wanted me to relive every single moment of that fateful night. I slid down the wall with precision, not a sound came from me. I was sure because that cum sniffing delinquent didn't say anything bordering on bastardry. I doubted I could seduce any of them let alone be able to slip a feel.

Not only was the impossibility a result of juvenile appearance, but also because the redhead was too bishonen to be straight, the spiky haired dude looked hardly human and I was sure he saw me as repugnant, and the last two were too…narrow?

"They taped, tied, and stuffed her mouth with cloth that had a plastic ball at the end." The red head seemed to think aloud.

"Are you blind? Of course they did. You sound like one of those freaking detective movies, clarifying shit no one wants to be clarified. Are you trying to make her relive what is obviously the worst moment in her life? Seriously, you are becoming more and more of an asshole since shorty over there blew you one."

There was an impending silence. The male seemed uninterested in the blade grazing his Adam's apple.

"Yusuke what do I have to do to make you understand I'm not gay?"

"I don't know. When you get a girlfriend and stop having pedicures with mine?"

The red-head, Kurama, rubbed the bridge of his nose. "I was only a spa trip with my mother who, like you, was under the misconception-"

"Speaking of spa trips, who's bright idea was it to send Shizuru on that luxurious cruise?" Yusuke hollered hammering his fist on the table. The gag flew up in the air and I blushed violently again.

The door across from me opened and I stared right the beautiful face of what I know now to be Yusuke's girl, Keiko. "Can you get any more louder?"

"Sorry Keiko!" The orange haired fellow bellowed.

She turned as if to head back into the room, but stopped to acknowledge me briefly with a curt nod, and then closed the door.

"It was her birthday, Urameshi. Plus it was free."

"Thanks to you though, I'm not getting laid," Yusuke hissed softly. "Plus Kuwabara you're the one who called _me _on this man eating demon thing. You know I couldn't give a shit. It's not like the guy ate anyone with merit. If he hadn't gobbled you and upped his power level we wouldn't even be having this conversation right now."

"Yes, it's amazing his digestive track was so slow. But if Hiei hadn't come to save-"

"The only reason he had to come was because you were busy mending men's underwear. And _you _sent Hiei. You knew my power levels were wacky lately you calculating son of a youko!"

"Please Yusuke, let go of my shirt."

"Why didn't you tell me? It hurts so bad!"

"Kurama shouldn't have to explain how your reproductive organs work." Hiei spoke finally. "I've been told humans have libraries."

"Yeah all because you're going through demon puberty doesn't mean you can take it out on the rest of us." Kuwabara aided.

Yusuke didn't like that very much. "Like I want to hear that from you! You're celibate for life. You hear me? You have to live every second of your life nailing your dick to the floor. You might be happy with that life, but I'm not _you. _I don't have some cheesy code of honor I have testosterone and a bunch of other hormones most of them not of a human kind! If you hadn't wanted Keiko to baby-sit Ms. Hypersensitive over there, we might've still had our dinner reservation and I could've got some."

He said the last part very low. If I hadn't been eavesdropping I wouldn't have had the misfortune to hear.

"It's not my fault she's youki intolerant! Hell, it shouldn't even matter; Keiko's a very traditional lady. You're not going to get any until you put a ring on it. Keiko already turned you down because she decided to focus on her career more. You're going to have to wait forever ever and ever ever and ever ever ever and e-"

And Yusuke had Kuwabara in a chokehold.

Wait, I thought to myself, demon? Youki? So the short stuff wasn't the only non-human around?

"Don't you think you two are admitting way too much?" Green eyes motioned in my direction and I shifted awkwardly. Really, I had felt so naked in my new get up. Every look they gave me sent shivers up my spine. In a futile attempt to hide myself I turned my head forward.

There had been some weird talk and I heard some self-proclaimed demonesses invaded television and radio, but being a typical non-believer I never thought I'd get close to anything supernatural. The only surreal thing I saw was a big zit on my forehead that I got after I fell down some really big hole.

Hiei whispered something into Kurama's ear.

"Gah you guys get a room!" Kuwabara gasped as he jabbed Yusuke in his ribcage which proved heavily ineffective until an orange ray appeared. Even so, it just grazed his skin. "What I don't get is that I can go full power and only manage to give you a scratch but if Keiko hits you you're out for a month!"

Yusuke let him go and pondered his statement, "Gramps said something 'bout a monogamy gene gone horribly wrong…or something like that, I wasn't really listening, too pissed about how my ass got handed to me."

I realized then that not only did I hardly understand what they were saying, but I also couldn't give a damn. As far as I was concerned they were loons. I needed to break out of there, screw them saving my wretched life.

"Anyway, you worry too much Kurama. She won't tell anyone anything."

"How do you know?" The red head questioned. "Have you met her before?"

"Uh no."

"Did you see a credit report, reference, or anything indicating a good character?"

"No."

"Then how do you know?"

"Well, she peed herself that's why."

Why so blunt? I put my face in my hands and tried my best to keep from hollering.

"And you called Kurama a bastard."

"What? It's the truth."

"Hypocrite." I heard Hiei speak.

"You know what? I don't have to deal with this. I'm going to go in that bedroom and take what's mine. Come knocking in an hour or two." With that Yusuke neared me, I could tell not because I heard, but because the hairs on my neck stood up and his body heat was outrageous! Suddenly I felt myself hoisted through the air. I opened my eyes and realized I face down on a coffee table. My stomach hurt like I did a belly flop in a pool.

"I think that gene also includes some twisted possession issues," I heard the red head mutter, "Hiei, make sure Yusuke doesn't commit a crime."

"Why? The woman will most likely kill him before he can go through with it."

"The blood on the carpet will be really hard to explain to my sis though."

"On second thought you're right and don't worry about the blood. I have a special formula I use that I'm willing to share."

I sat on the coffee table. They didn't even seem to notice me.

"This is it?" Kuwabara looked at the white powder.

"That's it. I use this a lot especially when a certain fire demon crawls into through my window with acute bleeding in his abdominal area. One time Mukuro caused his stomach to…"

I tuned them out.

They sounded like a bunch of housewives offering advice on the latest detergent. I looked at them, especially the orange haired one, if only because I knew he wouldn't look at me. The guy was really ugly. Super ugly. Body was a nine though I usually liked my guys less meaty. If only his face was better. He looked really good in the dark, then again so do I.

I heard a lot of groaning from the room Yusuke disappeared into.

I knew the bitch was haughty.

"I'll explain the best way to use it a little later, I think it's time we get rid of our guest."

I looked at him once and I was out like a light.

When I came to, I was refreshed.

I was barely conscious when I heard, "I can't believe she's allergic to dream pollen."

"Yes, the universe's greatest enigma. Pollen allergies."

"How much did she forget?" That sounded like Kuwabara, I thought as I began to focus.

"I doubt she forgot anything. She's super responsive to anything demonic; it barely passed through her airways before she went into a fit of sneezes," Kurama sighed. "I had to give her something powerful to counteract it."

"Or you could've just given her allergy medicine." My vision cleared and I saw Keiko sipping tea.

"…."

"You just got trumped by a girl. Apparently her PMS is better than yours." Kuwabara stated matter-of-factly.

Hiei agreed and without rancor to boot.

"Tea?"

I fluttered my eyelids at the inquiry.

My onyx eyes rolled upward to see the nose of steaming kettle. Anxious I scooted away fearing for the object of my conceit. "Wha?" When had been the last time I awoke in sobriety without the side effects of my hedonistic lifestyle? Where was the booze and cigarette buds? Why didn't I feel the need to disperse and cower behind my fetishes? We looked about the same age, but she was so old fashioned and cordial, much like my grandmother right before I broke her prized tea set. Somehow I was more self-conscious than before probably because subconsciously I understood that only in hell's freezer would I be able to compare to such promise.

"Would you like some tea?"

Obediently I took the porcelain cop handed to me. Soon tea accompanied it and I soon promoted to cloud ten.

"Delicious."

My eyes scanned her. I could not deduce whether her eyes were a variety of pink or red. Her hair was surreal and I marveled quite mildly upon her cascading sky blue hair and her jugs which were bigger than mine. I sipped the tea again and looked upon the less cheery of the group.

"Allergy medicine wouldn't have worked."

"Did you ever try?" Kuwabara asked.

"There's no need to try, it's unreasonable. The whole situation is ludicrous," Kurama retorted testily. "Damned tart."

"Kurama!"

"What?"

"The poor thing's terrified and you're just making it worse."

She petted my hair and I welcomed the feeling. I purred and completely let my guard down.

"Isn't that cute…" Kuwabara's eyes drooped and a lazy smile formed. All of a sudden, it fell. "Don't go getting attached Yukina. We'll have to call its owner-I mean _her _uh **parents**."

My eyes snapped open and I stood causing tea to fly everywhere.

"You're right, I've got to get going. You know how parents are they were probably waiting half the night for me. I've really got to go…uh…uh…" My eyes darted to the door. "Bye."

Sadly my body didn't quite make it.

I was tripped by the short shit.

"Oh, Hiei!" Yukina sounded more offended than I was.

"Hn."

London, France-anywhere, but there, I shouted mentally as I dug into the cracks of the floorboards.

"I see your underpants."

So that's why I felt so naked I thought airily.

Needless to mention, I went into a fit of hysteria at the brunette's bluntness. If I wasn't such a cold hearted bitch maybe I would've sobbed instead of hissing at Hiei like a drenched cat. Rather inconspicuously, Yukina pulled down the gown and pulled me into her arms for whatever reason. Kuwabara sat next to me (probably to make sure I didn't bite her). He gave some comfort too by rubbing my head with as much softness as his rough hands could offer. They calmed me-especially Yukina.

Honestly, I could never imagine that I'd ever hate her before the month ended.

**Author's **note:

Authors embellish even their autobiographies. Most of this serves a parodied explanation to why Yusuke always running away from Keiko although he's immune being S-class an all. We all know it's cause Yusuke's not into the whole domestic violence bit.

Kurama and Hiei's characters are twisted as a result of clashing personalities and interests.

Yeah, Kuwabara bashing, it doesn't get any worse. Actually Kuwabara can look awesome and even hot in a rugged sort of way. I did it for realism more than anything else. Personally Kuwabara's appearance changes due to the scene's overall meaning or whatever heroics that are going on, just like the canon. By the way, I love Kuwabara's voice. If you haven't figured, he's pretty big in this story.

The goal of this fic is to write a semi-interesting character that can narrate and remain pretty unbiased in all their jerk-ass glory. In other words I'm just testing my character building abilities. The character is not meant to be likable but understood and I don't condone her actions. If you were offended by the content, I did warn you and as far as I know I haven't broken any rules.

Review and let me know what you thought. Due to some pact I made with a marshmallow demon, no flames will be tolerated.


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